This Girl....

I'm laying it all on the line...I have never believed in relationships.

A blame I've always laid on my parents. Pointing my disbelief in their direction due to what seemed like endless failed attempts at a successful relationship.

On a personal level, I've never given into anyone. EVER.
Oh so casual with my dealings with men. Distant yet still perceptive of my misguided values.

Refusing to open myself to potential loss or love, or be available to anyones desire or deception.
I've considered this a survival mode and was satisfied with short, meaningless courtships.





Imagine my surprise, when one fine day, a man I've admired from afar for years, expressed similar interest.
It felt right from the start, almost like destiny was taking my hand and putting it in his.
For me there is a balance between complete elation one moment and fear of the unknown the next.

The smiles that go along with a budding potential once would make me cringe, but now have seeped into my every day routine.

Smiling.

Smiling at the thought of him. Smiling at his voice on the other end.
The outcome is unsure, the path is unseen. A path my cynical being never imagined going down.

But for once in my life, my eyes are open and my heart is willing.

On a random note...

Second lining on St. Joseph's Day with the Mardi Gras Indians. Sharp colors on soft plumes filled the afternoon like a rainbow fell from the sky.



Somewhere during the day I passed this wonderfully old church.
It was flooded and abandoned...it was beautiful, photogenic and sad.

Feel me out...

I am NOT desensitized. Though a majority of friends and family might believe so.
Yes, there is extensive crime and corrupt politicians.
I'll admit, I don't live in the best neighborhood.
Have I heard gunshots? You betcha'.
What I ask those that aren't familiar with our situation here is,
"Do you think that we simply IGNORE these statistics if favor of some sort of jolly time?"

I can hear locals yelling out HELL NO.

We DON'T ignore these things. They piss us off.
They make it hard to get up some days.
They make us cry.
They make us scared.

But they also make us some of the strongest people you will EVER meet.
We get up every day, work hard and fight to live here. Endure each new day with a shot of hope, and that alone is sometimes hard to muster some days.

You see, if this city didn't have us, there would be nothing here. It would become something that it's not...which is a great place to live.

"And why do you live there?" "When will you get out of there?"
I am sure many people here are asked that in many ways and on many days.

For someone like me, there is a plenitude of the most amazing music you'll ever hear on any given night of the week.
There is more diverse culture here than anywhere else outside of NYC.
The blend of people I've met from around the world that have become the most influential people in my life thus far.
The food, the possibilities, the good times, the bad times...
An article was printed 2 weeks ago by a columnist who came up with an alphabet of reasons why this place gets into your skin and takes hold of your heart.
Angus Lind lists the most basic of things that amaze me every day of this place. These are the exact things that don't make me forget about all of the bad parts, but really kind of make me want to stay and fight for this place. To keep it going.


So, If you'll excuse me, I have to go home and plan my weekend, Mardi Gras is coming up and I have to prepare my costume.